The Scandal of Forgiveness

a great article about forgiveness and the amish shooting. I was raised with this heritage... It was infused into my personhood. I wonder if I had been raised differently how I would have come out.

We mennonites like to associate ourselves with fellow anabaptists when it comes to something like this... how similar we are in theology and practice, and yet at the same time, we distance ourselves and separate ourselves from thier foreign customs and dress.

CHRISTMAS

This has been the most fun Christmas in recent memory, despite the sadness of the miscarriage.

Maria is just loving every second of it - the lights everywhere, and presents, and treats, and extra play time with dad...

yesterday we switched around the train set which originally went around the tree under the couch, under the coffee table, back, up the hill to the next level of the coffee table etc... pretty cool setup. But yesterday we switched it, and made a really long run, which goes around the tree in the living room, back the entire length of our house to the rear of marias room, and around her little table and back again in a loop. I didnt realize how much track I had... but what fun (I guess you can tell that I am enjoying it a bit too)
Tori enjoys sort of chasing the train back and forth, and destroying the track at every opportunity. Maria is definatly in her construction phase where she likes to build things... and tori is in her deconstruction phase, where she loves tearing things apart - so it is fun.

Maria is loving her polly pockets we got off of ebay.

Christmas day, Kairsie and mom came over for waffles in the morning. Candace talked about making it a tradition. We opened some gifts, and then left for NJ... where hanging out with the prices and eating mad good food was in order - lots of fun... But the fun is not over. We are looking forward to saturday when the eshes will celebrate. Conrads 3 girls, and our 2 girls plus grandparents etc - lots of smallish presents - its usually a great time.

Manny always is excited about giving gifts. His excitement for Christmas has been contagious for me - I guess its rubbed of a bit.

this year our tree is quite nice looking, and i downloaded a boatload of christmas songs for the mp3 player that I have just had running most of the time - so its been a much more festive year than some.

In any case, I think having kids really makes a difference for brining out the fun part of Christmas.

Its also been meaningful at church - seeing some new things in Christmas that Ive never seen before... studying the prophecies in detail, preparing for worship with pastor steve and planning the Christmas eve service at Zion called "Adoration" its also been a thought provoking Christmas.

So anyway praise God. Its been one of the greatest Christmas seasons ever... and its only half over.

tomorrow, Zion Youth Group reunion - all past youth group people are invited...
saturday with the eshes...
then new years eve and new years day... still good stuff coming up yeah.

We are planning a simple get together of sorts, and are trying to get out the word to anyone and everyone that’s been a regular attendee at Zion Mennonite Youth Group over the years, particularly during the time that Candace and I have been leaders.

Some are nearby, especially for the holidays, and we thought we would provide an opportunity to get back together. It will be really great to see you, and catch up on life and stuff. Other than that, we might have some old school videos around if anyone wants that to help jog some memories.

ZMYG REUNION CHILL PARTY THING
Date: Friday, December 29th, 2006
Time: 6:30pm
Place: Zion
Invite: Please contact anyone that you can, to spread the word. We don’t have everyone’s contact information, or the time to do all the detective work necessary to track them down.
Bring: A small snack to share
Respond: Let us know how many, and what snack you are bringing. Email jeff@jeffstoltzfus.com or call 717-445-9639 we will be excited to hear that you are coming.

p.s. if you have any email addresses, or contact information for people you think we may have lost track of, please let us know. If you reply that you got this message, we will not send you a postcard – and it will save us paper and postage.

yeah we are doing good.

http://www.willitblend.com

i stumbled upon this crazy stuff.

check out a couple of videos, this guy puts all sorts of stuff into his blender, like a rake handle, an Ipod, cell phones, marbles, and whatever he can think of... this blender just rips this stuff to shreds... amazing machine.

I guess this blog sort of doubles as a sounding board for myself, and a small group of friends who finds their way here from time to time. Its an interesting place to post something like this, but here goes.

I guess there’s no softer way to say it… we lost the baby. Are we sad, yeah… surprised… hmmm yeah, – yet it is something that I always knew would be statistically a possibility.

When Candace first was pregnant with Maria, I remember reading the statistics on miscarriage, and being shocked. Some say 15-40% of all pregnancies are miscarried. (depending how you count it) So I guess it happens quite a bit. Most people just sort of keep quiet about it I guess. Sometimes women didn’t even know they were pregnant.

I remember being very nervous with the first pregnancy that something bad would happen, that we would lose the baby, and it would all be too good to be true… BUT it all went pretty smooth… and with the second one too – even smoother.

I remember just weeks ago, after Candace took her pregnancy test, and found it positive, that we discussed “should we tell people?” or should we wait? I guess we decided to make it public right away because we aren’t good at keeping secrets and stuff, and just decided that if we lost the baby, then our friends could grieve with us. Now being on the other side of it, I am thinking a bit differently. It’s just complicated.

From a purely logical standpoint, its not a surprise, but from an emotional standpoint its weird and hard and stuff… Of course my main concern is that Candace is doing well physically, emotionally, holistically etc.

In the wikipedia article on miscarriage, it says
“If they feel the need to grieve, some things parents can do to deal with miscarriage better are:” and then it gives a list of different things that some do. What caught my attention was the line “if they feel the need to grieve.” hmmm yet it describes my dilemma perfectly.

How much should I grieve? Just enough for myself? Or must I grieve for others to see? What about for Candace? Or my family and friends… what are their expectations of my grieving process. Should I be distraught, or slightly sad. What if I’m not sad enough for their comfort? Will they think I don’t care? What if I am too sad?

Its just uncomfortable.

I’m sure some would say it is like losing a child (already born) – but I know that in the first 12 weeks the chances of losing that baby are real… so maybe I always had that in the back of my mind, and kept from getting too invested… maybe that’s wrong?

So how much should I grieve? Such a tiny little miracle, just barely more than a seed… I think the grief for me is more of a grief for an idea, or a potential, or a hope or something, and that seems odd to me. We have spent time crying together. Being sad with our closest family – talking uncomfortably with people, not knowing what to say.

Figuring out how much to grieve really comes down to some really philosophical and spiritual questions about the origins of the soul, and stuff. And I guess since I don’t feel like I have all the answers (and that’s ok with me) It still leaves me in a quandary.

So how much do I grieve? I hope people are ok with me just walking through this, trying to figure it out for myself. I hope people don’t judge my brief uncomfortable responses…

I know people are going to be constantly bringing it up… I guess because we told so many people we were pregnant, now we have to sort of expect that lots of people are gonna come back and have to give their uncomfortable sympathies.

I also hate to be constantly reminded about it… in some respects, I would just like to sort of get on with life, and try again, if you know what I mean – maybe the statistics will work in our favor next time.

So if you care, Thanks a ton. Really, thanks for caring. It’s nice to know that people care. But I guess I probably won’t bring it up too much in conversation. Yeah, I guess this is my way of working through it. Thanks for your prayers and such.

I really feel like I should save my deepest grief for people who really are having difficulty having children – I almost feel more sad with them, alongside of them. We came home to the embrace of two wonderful, perfectly naughty, little bundles of fun… sure they are snotty sometimes, and scream at each other… but the joy just holding them and realizing that God has blessed us in so many ways, how can I complain.

Yesterday in the emergency room, while we waited for almost 5 hours till we got the ultrasound, I thought things were probably gonna be perfectly fine. In any case, I was reading a book on leadership, and came across this section dealing with the will of God… and it said something to the effect of: You can’t entirely be in God’s will by just accepting it, but entirely by embracing it. And originally I thought it was sort of just an argument of semantics… accepting the will of God for my life is pretty good… But now I understand more what the author was getting at. By fully embracing the will of God, even in the hard times, you are more than just OK with God’s will, but you are actually satisfied or glad or something richer than that – knowing that God will is challenging you, and growing you, and stretching you into what he wants you to be. Trusting that God’s will is GOOD! Its that trust that is the challenge. So here we go.

So I’ve cried big tears, and I’ve psychoanalyzed myself. Candace and I have talked about it quite a bit, and I think she is handling it well – as best she can. And I hope to be a caring, and listening, husband in all of this.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on in my head – Candace might be different, but I’m not likely to get into all of this with everyone else – its just too uncomfortable. I’ll probably just nod my head, say yeah, agree with everything they say, and change the subject after the proper length of uncomfortable silence.

most of you know that club worship is an important part of my life for many years... well some changes are brewing... if you are interested in reading my letter to the masses follow this link
letter regarding club worship

i think it explains it clear enough.

peace
jeff

sometimes the internet is just fun

OK, this is the coolest thing I have seen on the web in a while... a fun little toy.


Line Rider - beta by *fsk on deviantART

and if you think I have too much time on my hands if I am blogging about this, check out these videos.




and if thats not enough for you heres two more great vids
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcu8ZdJ2dQo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD9DSa3fZf4