dag wednesday is over already.

last nights concert in philly was pretty hot... lots of fun - with 13 of the coolest young people around. Pillar rocked, but the whole army thing with the soldiers and helicopters and everything, i just wasnt digging. The guy actually said from the stage that we need to "get back to the days of old when people followed thier leaders..." hmmm I was thinking - wasnt Jesus a rebel of sorts, who wasnt afraid to question authority? No one should ever "blindly" follow a leader just because they are a leader - thats how cults start, and that is how Hitler got very poplular with the people. Don't get me wrong, I believe God ordained ALL authority (rom13) but ALL authority is under God... and when God says one thing, and authority says another, "I must obey God rather than man"

wow how did I get on that Pro-Life rant so early in this blog entry.

anyway pillar rocked even if they are pro-violence... it shouldnt surprize me in a hardcore band.

Reliant K was the best, and most fun band of the night. I knew many of their songs, and they had a big buffalo on stage... thats enough to keep my attention for a while.

The Electric Factory is a very cool venue... as far as concerts go, it blows away any event venue in the Lancaster region... The tour lighting was pretty impressive too. Lots of Martin Macs, and other intelligent lights.

Today I took the day off in an attempt to sort of test the waters, in taking care of Maria. Candace spent some time here working, and then she went in to the office (just for 3 hours) and so it was just sort of a test. I fed her for the first time today (with a bottle duh) and it was fun. Maria was crabby alot today, I'm not sure why. (no I don't think its because dad was taking care of her) and she cried more than she usually does, and She doesnt like to be laid down on her own, she just wants to be held... now Candi and I have to decide how much she really needs, and how much will spoil her. Spoiled kids suck. Its not good for the kid, and its not good for the parent. So we dont want to spoil her, but we want to provide her with all the comfort she needs too... sort of a struggle to know when to pick up a crying baby.

I guess thats it. - Got to get to bed early tonight, Jon, Kairsie and i will be on WJTL in the early morning - we are meeting at 6:15 in ephrata.
peace
jeff

great day today... church was pretty good... Maria was good the whole time pretty much, and we are getting more used to taking her out. I changed her in the mens room - I'm really glad they installed a changing table thing in there.

Maria is such a blessing - and I love it so much showing her off to all the people we meet at church and quizzing and stuff. Someone else came up and said she was the most beautiful baby she ever saw... see I've been trying to tell everybody - thats the truth... (not that all other peoples babies arent cute too) I really love being a dad... dont mind changing the diapers... actually its sort of fun - she is usually happy and alert and awake, and lots of fun.

got some new pictures online - make sure you check out the pics section.

Need to pray for my pastors wife, she isnt doing too well. Edie Stoltzfus is her name (Noah is my pastor - no relation.) She needs a miracle. I really like her alot. She is so supportive of our youth ministry, and us as individuals... and always had an encouraging word. I hope God heals her, she is having a really rough time with many health issues. It seems like what happened with my dad... in the hospital, things slowly going downhill.

I was pleasantly surprized to hear my congregation respond in love this morning - to the events of the war. In worship we sang the old campfire song - "They will know we are Christians by our Love" - It really resonated with me right now. All Christians need to spread the LOVE of Jesus to people all around... it should be overwhelming... and not just our friends "even the pagans do that" (matt 5:47) but to our enemies, and those who persecute us... easy to talk about, hard to practice. Peace takes guts.

today was a mixed bag...
not feeling motivated to finish my paperwork... wanting to go home, but realizing I need to get more done at work before I go home... its the end of the week already where are these weeks disappearing to??

CNN was making me sick last night... I had it on just for a bit while I was working, just to keep up with what was going on in the world... CNN is so sensationalistic - attempting to keep people glued in to their TV's even when there is really not any news that they know of. Its a shame... and much of the news we get is very propaganda like...

Maria is doing great, although I miss her when i am away... I still think I need to work on focusing my life... Its something I need to work on. - the whole time management thing. Pray for me.

Had a very intersting conversation yesterday with a preacher who used to be in the army. We discussed the war, and he admitted that he could easily anoint a brother with oil with one hand, and shoot a rifle with the other. Many of his ideas of fighting didn't have basis in logic - for example, he said "sure if someone was running toward me trying to kill me, then I have to kill him before he kills me" but just putting on the uniform, is asking to be shot at...

All in all, he is a good brother, but off in this area. We agreed to disagree. I still have not found anyone that can seriously argue from the scriptures, and justify Christians fighting in a war.... So far, ive never seen it done. I've seen people try, but the arguments all fall apart somewhere. Not that they all need to be based in logic. The fact that Jesus told us to love our enemies, and turn the other cheek and stuff - thats illogical to a point. But it makes Godsense. - and I promise you that it works! I've never seen it not work. You turn your enemies into friends... and soon you look around, and you got no enemies anymore. hmmmmm now there is a concept.

i know i got to update my blog... the archives arent working, the pictures are really old, and I have all these new great pictures I want to post but dag - I was tired last night. After working on the quizzing page I was way tired... and maria was in between sleep and awake and a bit grumpy... she would cry when I put her down, so I just held her for a while... but its really stinks to type with one hand.

Last night, while I was laying in bed waiting for sleep (usually takes 30 sec.) I heard a plane overhead - pretty close. I wasn't afraid at all, but It made me think of all the terror that it would cause me if I was in Iraq. A new father, vulnerable, unclothed in bed with his wife, and newborn in the bassinet near the bed. What can you do against an airplane flying overhead - or an incoming bomb. The ones joked about, and shown in shiny yellow on the cover of Newsweek. Talk about terror? And I'm paying to terrorize this guy and his family halfway around the world.

This war doesnt make any sense - from so many angles. It just isnt logical. And its not right.
What part of Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Gentleness, Goodness, Faith, Meekness, Temperance, don't you understand?

this is funny to me... mostly because I never heard of it.
http://www.natural-wisdom.com/nihgentlealternative.htm

I guess its like you take your naked infant, and hold them over the toilet (or sink) and make a "sssss" sound- and they just pee or poop on command... no diaper necessary... Im not sure how it would go, but its sort of a funny (but fascinating) concept.

Thanks to Anita Whisler for clueing us in on the idea. I think we will go the conventional diaper way - at least for our first baby :)

yay... the message is finally available in a searchable format... at the bible gateway I heard it described as the "yo dude" version of the bible. I like most of it, except the part where he makes his run on words up - sort of like dr seuss, If he can't find the right word, he just makes one up.

I spent the day researching grants for ACTV. Man is it alot of work... I'm not sure it is worth it. We will see. It most certainly is not my cup of tea, but It is part of my job description so I guess thats ok

I am a bit jealous of Jon to be honest... He is doing what I always wanted to do. Production... Ever since I started at ACTV I always looked forward to the day when ACTV would hire a part time general manager, and I could fill my day with creative innovative video work, or whatever - even fixing things, and troubleshooting is more fun that writing grant proposals... stinkin wrotten. Now I am that dagon general manager :) its ok... and not that bad, but my heart is in the creative end for sure.

Maria is doing great... Candi said she ate (translate - drank) all day long. Besides the visits from grandmothers, and cousins, and stuff.

Today, I needed some time... some time to be alone, some time with God, and some time to be refreshed, and inspired. I was in the office for a while, but I think Jon was grumpy... I know I was grumpy. Blame it on monday morning, or blame it on whatever, I just was not getting much done. I don't think I said anything unkind, but just wasnt a joy to be around. ANYWAY, I had to go to the store to get some stuff for the baby, and I just made it a trip. I grabbed my book, and a bite to eat, and drove up to skyline drive... I parked at the overlook, and ate a bit, and spent some time just hanging out listening to God, watching the sun set, and watching the lights come on in the city. I turned the heat up in the car, and rolled down the sunroof... It was refreshingly chilly, and as I looked at the moon, stars, and the beauty around me, I realized again how good it was to be alive - and in Gods care.

I started to read this book "fundraising for dummys" ok... so it wasn't deep reading, but it was inspiring in a way. I need to be doing some fundraising at ACTV as much as I hate it, and hate asking for money... it got to get done. So I ordered this book from amazon. ANYWAY, The book starts by asking you to reflect on why you are raising funds and stuff, and It got me started thinking more about the vision, and the purpose for why I am doing what I am doing at ACTV... many times it is easy to get in a rut of routine paperwork, billing, management, trying to keep the place running, and it is so easy to forget the mission that is being acomplished through the ministry.

It is so cool to be able to reach out to Reading, and stuff through TV - I mean how cool is that! Sure we don't do as good a job as we could, We need to get on the ball, get some new more relevant programming, produce some better spots etc. But the potential exists to do amazing things. Even through the projects that we do, hopefully lives are touched and changed - sure not directly as a result of every project, but indirectly through strengthening the other ministrys we help out.

Anyway, I am more inspired and excited about the potential for ministry at ACTV. I guess God knew what I needed. Hopefully some others will come along with us and work together to reach the many lost in Reading. The spiritual warfare was beating me down... especially since I hardly had any armor on.

if you havnt read it yet - scroll down to Feb 25th The day Maria entered the world.

Tonight Maria did her first google search on the world wide web. She wanted to know more about her excessive hiccups... and also, blocked tear ducts... she (and I) found out that they are all totally normal, and to be expected of newborns...

Also, Maria and I made a big batch of iced tea tonight. Its amazing all the things one can do with only one hand.

Jon and Lyn came over for dinner, it was fun to have them up since Lyn hadn't seen Maria yet. The dinner was simple - since it was donated, and all prepared... thankfully. It really is helpful to have these meals... Candi needed that nap that she had time for because she didnt have to think about dinner.

Maria slept through the whole thing, and only woke up around 10pm for about an hour.
I'm not sure whats up with Jon and Lyn... whatever... its cool... and not a big deal. Hey and Jon, you are DELETED!

Cant wait for Club Worship tomorrow. I'm just looking forward to getting my praise on...

Can't wait till Maria is old enough to enjoy it too. I guess it will be a while

if you havnt read it yet... and want to read about my beautiful baby, scroll down to Feb 25th the day she was born. Maria is doing good... although a little crabby today... I think a little diaper rash, and a clogged up tear duct, is making her a bit crabby.

I realized that I am getting more sleep now, than before she was born. Its wierd that way... Don't get me wrong, I get up and change her diaper in the middle of the night like any good father, but all added up, im still getting much more sleep. Mostly its because I have been a bit more disciplined to get to bed at a reasonable hour. I have backed off of a couple of responsibilities, and have more time to spend with Maria and Candi. So far, its been pretty fun, and less stressful, and less hard than everyone was telling me. BUT I do expect it to get worse.

A couple of funny little tidbits I wanted to remember:
Mere minutes after Maria was born, they were still cleaning her up and stuff from birth, and her legs were up and flailing around - you could really tell that she was breach, because her legs were sticking way up.... well, she ended up kicking herself in the head, and the nurse and I had a good laugh. Last night Amanda and Lisa came over, and I was sharing the story, and Amanda thought that it was good, because when she grows up, and does anything funny, we can just blame it on the fact that when she was just born, she kicked herself in the head...

The other day my sister Julie and her daugter Kayleigh (4yrs) stopped in. Kayleigh is so excited about her newest girl cousin. She told Candace that "If Maria ever needs a big kid around, you know like a 4 year old, then just call." she is so cute... and says the funnyest things.

A baby was born in Iraq today... her father was filled with awe and wonder. Her mother cried.

On the other side of Iraq, a baby girl turned 10 days old. Her dad had difficulty leaving her to go to work, especially hearing her cry... but his sense of responsibility, and wanting to be a good provider sent him on his way, sad to hear the news on the radio.

--------------------------

I have so much in common with other humans around the world... My sensitivity to the innocence of a child, has grown so much. I look at Maria and want her to be healthy, whole, and happy. Many in the rest of the world just hope for survival. To think that american children are more important than children in the rest of the world. Well, frankly its racist.

It still baffles me why our president sits in his cushy chair, and insists on moving forward in war. People will die, infrastructures that have taken years and years to build, will be demolished. And in the meanwhile people all over the world build up their hatred toward Americans, and worse yet Christians. Jesus would never take part in this war.

Another frustration is that I am paying for it... I thought about it on my way in to work today... Out of my 8 hour day, one of those hours (or an 8th of my income) is going to pay for the american killing machine. Incredible. It makes me angry... Talk about righteous anger. Man I'm hot. Don't belive me? do the research, work the numbers, you will be amazed. Look at your paycheck slip next time... Take 50% of the dollars that you are giving to the federal government - and realize the truth...

Check out this comparison:
TOOLS FOR PEACE TOOLS FOR WAR
$46 million Improve, repair, modernize 20 schools -OR- 1 hour war on Iraq
$275 million Eradicate polio worldwide -OR- 3 tests of missile defense system
$350 million Best vaccinations for 10 million children worldwide -OR- 6 Trident II missiles
$2.1 billion Annual salary/benefits for 38,000 elementary teachers -OR- 1 Stealth bomber
$38 billion Save 11 million lives worldwide fighting infectious diseases -OR- 1 month U.S. current military spending

I thought this was funny... in an email from Candis brother Conrad

Congratulations on being a dad! You & Candi are going to kick-butt as parents (and wipe butt too, I suppose)! Have a great day in God!
Conrad

an email from my very creative sister :)

Dear Sugar Daddy,
Hey, first I must say that It was really cool being with your two chicks today in the hospital! I just hope they could get some rest after lunch! We are continuing to pray Gods strength in many areas for you all! Wow, shes a doll!
NOW, the real reason I am writing this note is to clear up the great misunderstood sugar debate. I enjoyed the whimsy and emotional blurbs in your journal for the first time the whole way through today, thouroughly enjoyed it up until the archival bit you did on the "nut" of a sister that you have. I feel I must defend myself and CLEAR UP , what I feel is a false representation, of my own parenting opinion. (I say this all with a sweet, "sugary" smile on my face!) We decided not to allow our first child to be fed sweets (processed sugars of course since all fruits and many other solids have natural sugars in them) before her first birthday. This was advised by our doctor to let their tastes crave nutricious sources of calories as their tastes are being developed, and their digestive system also. (Really I knew that if I gave the go ahead... they would have icecream fed each week at Grandpas house...he-he-he) I in NO WAY said that you would not be a good parent if you dont do the same. My MAJOR point in that conversation was to say that there are some foods that most concerned parents would want to avoid. Hey, the kid is not going to miss it for a year and you most likely are protecting them. Infants up to 1 yr. who eat honey and corn syrup may develop infant botulism, a form of food poisoning that can cause serious damage to the nervous system and can also in rare cases be fatal. This is a well documented fact but, if you want to take the "risk" and not be a "nut" about the "sugar" boycot thats cool, cuz hey sugar daddy, your the daddy. *** I just wanted to re-represent my case lest all the people who read your blurb think I am one of those moms who tell others to go and "do likewise".
ANYWAY, the site rocks love is poured your way!
Sweet "sugary" dreams for you and yours tonight!
Lots of Love,
Julie (the nutty sister)

I think I learned something new about myself today. I was made to be a father. I mean it! All along, I was a father- trapped in a normal mans body. It feels so right, and so easy, and so normal and natural for me, and as I look back on my life, I realize that all along, it was my fathering instincts that helped make me ready for this hour.

I remember soon after high school, a group of friends went to C-stone fest, and I helped organize, and did most of the driving and stuff... several of them took to calling me dad - even though I was about the same age. And again in college I remember it happening. Even years ago, I was called dad by members of the youth group. In all instances, I think it was a kind word, they saw me as protective, and a compassionate leader (to say nothing for the grey hair.)

One of my spiritual gifts is teaching. Not necissarily preaching to big groups, but mostly in other areas, one on one and stuff... it just comes naturally to me. I think a good dad is a good teacher.

anyway, I know there are hard days ahead, but it feels perfect today. I'm excited about the coming months - getting to know Maria better and stuff. Candace is such a great mom already - and I think we are a great team.

Tonight we went on our very first outing together... Bible Quizzing was at Zion, and we couldn't resist. As far as I was concerned Maria was the main attraction, and I was on top of the world.

Maria slept the whole time, and hardly opened her eyes. I wasnt sure if she would wake up content, or hungry, but when she finally woke up, we decided we better get home for her meal.

Everyone at quizzing agreed with me... she's one beautiful babe - and the pictures on this site just don't do her justice.

tonight I went to youth group while candi and maria stayed home. All the other leaders (the ones who were not having babies) were at a youth leaders weekend thing. So I was the lone leader at youth group. Everything went pretty smooth.
I led worship, and Jon taught. Jon was way sick, but he still spoke, and the lesson was great. Different people mentioned recieving something from the lesson, but i felt is was just perfect for me.
Jon talked about forgiveness, and especially about the prodical son story. I saw the story from a totally new perspective tonight... as a father.

the other night, when I was holding Maria, and just holding her close, I thought about our life together... I tried to imagine her as a teenager, or jr higher, or whatever, and realized... this girl could hurt me - and most likely will. She is likely to say unkind things to me - to disrespect me, and at times, she might even hate me. I had to hold back a tear, because I realized that no matter how much I loved her, she still has to make her own decision about all that.

I see the way alot of young people treat their parents. Obviously, there are some parents who are messed up, and don't care, BUT the majority of parents love their kids greatly, and want what is best for them - (even if they disagree about what that is) Many times there is tension between parents and young people, because teens want to spread their wings learn to fly, and they want independance.... and parents want everything to be under control - and often have trouble letting go. I really wonder how I will be with that. My parents were great examples of balance.

Anyway, back to Maria - I realized that I can only love as much as I can, and hope for the best... Sort of like the prodical son in the story. I'll bet the Father was devistated to see his son disrespect and dis-own the family. Yet the father wouldn't even listen to the apology, he was too busy celebrating the return. The forgiveness is so rich... and from a father to a son who he loved dearly.

Through this story tonight, I understand the Love of God - our father - in a totally new light. Its one thing to know it, its another to experience it, and KNOW IT... I can totally understand why God would use the analogy of himself as a father. There is so much in there that totally describes God.

God the Father is our creator - from his seed came life - and He said "it is GOOD"
God the Father is our protector - since he wants what is best for us, he does what he can to keep us protected - i've experienced that recently (read the Feb 28 post)
He loves us so richly - we cant even comprehend how much.... Little Maria has little, or no comprehension of how much I love her. She will come to learn - with years of our relationship growing, and she will probably come to love me too... BUT for now, she just sees this big burly guy with sandpaper for a face. Tonight, I realized that its sort of like that with God. It's hard to comprehend - or understand His love for us - but it is rich beyond measure.

God the Father, can't stop thinking about you.
When you are distant, The Father can't wait for that time when you will be together again, spending time together.
God the Father created you... and he can see himself in each creation. - Its like "he has my eyes" or "my mouth" and stuff...
The Father is preparing a place for you - in glory just like I prepared a nursery - And the Father is saying - just wait until you see this place... it is incredible! And you are gonna love it

There is so much more, I could write for hours... Im so excited because I just caught another glimps of God's love for each one of his children... And the emotion of Love is not something that you can just read about, or write about and then you get it. Most people reading this blog, totally won't get it - but its my experience. The rich love I have for my darling daughter (it cant be described) is just a glimps at what God's love for us is about.

I know Jons lesson tonight was for me - and its cool to see God work that way.

make sure you check out the new pics - click here

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2/28/03 Around midnight -
This morning we came home from the hospital, Mom put out a cool sign in the yard with Congratulations, and Maria Grace's name on it... for all the neighbors to see. Thanks mom! - On the way home, the excitement was sort of overwhelming. Candace and I both shed tears of joy.

The Reading Hospital was overall a good experience. The surgery people were great. Dr Heller was great. And the nurses were really helpful... Different specialists stopped in, and our pediatrician came by. - Im sure they will all be paid well. It is complicated to have a baby these days.

As we were leaving, and going down the hospital hall, I told the nurses at the desk "thank you for all the help" and stuff, they smiled, said congratulations, and we started to walk away - but they stopped us, and I guess it is policy for them to escort you to the car. I'm not sure why, but this nurse (who was nice and all) took Maria and she sort of balanced this car seat on a push cart. Now my dad instincts kicked in right away. Maria was perfectly safe in my hands... Now here was someone trying to be helpful, but mandating that they take my baby and teeter her 4 feet in the air on this unstable, and hard to push cart... Needless to say, I could feel my blood start to boil - Its hard to get me steamed, and I think I handled it well, but insisted that I could do a better job. Well they insisted, and got some pillows, and stuff, and made it work better. As we were walking down the hall, I could feel the protectiveness dad coming out... To all those overprotective parents, who I never understood before. I understand. (you told me I would) Now the job is to keep the reaction under control, and reasonable.

Anyway, it is fun to be home. Maria didn't seem to be impressed with the place, in fact she wouldnt even open her eyes for a good look around. But I know she will come to love the place.

Maria started to shows signs of jaundice. The doctor said we got to get her to poop more. Increasing the input will increase the output. So like concerned parents analyzing and tracking diaper activity, and bowl movements becomes an important part of our daily activity. She likes to sleep way too much. And when she does wake, she is pretty mellow. I never thought I'd see the day when I hoped my baby would wake up more and cry more. Actually the crying gets her lungs moving, and the oxygen in the system. Tonight it was our main job to try to keep her awake enough to nurse right. It took some teamwork between Candace and I, but it was good, and we accomplished our goal...now for a bit of shut eye - the alarm is set for 2.5 hours. If she doesn't wake us up, we will wake her up. Now theres a switch.

I really appreciate both moms coming today and helping around the place. It is hard work getting Maria on track, and its hard to think about anything else. I went to work for a while in the afternoon, and we are grateful that we have such great grandmothers (they are great, but not in the "great" way) in such close proximity.
Maria is so georgeous... When I came home from work, I went right in to look at her, and when I saw her, I realized, I am getting to know her. I just met her days ago, but already, her face is burning more and more into my memory, and my heart. She is so precious.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
2/28/03 7:30 am
We all slept pretty good last night - some feeding things, but then a bunch of hours of solid sleep. We are going home this morning, and are very excited for that. I was going to go home yesterday to shower and eat, but after I was done work, it was about 6pm, and I totally didnt feel like running a half an hour up, and a half an hour back, just for a shower - so I just came back to the hospital - I'm glad I did.

Everyone is doing great - Candace continues to heal, and move around more easily. We just got up and cleaned up, but Maria is still so sleepy - just too tired to eat. I guess she will wake up when her stomach tells her to.

Maria's eye is almost totally better, and her face is starting to clear up a little bit... She still looks like she has lots of little zits here and there.

As I write this, I just glanced over, Candi was sleeping with Maria in her arms - two beautiful ladies.

-----------------------------------------------------
actual date 2/27/03 11pm
Oh dag... Ok... My ego is crushed... Maria was in my arms, and she smiled again... But this time she wasn't smiling at me, she was just passing gas. After the fart she just went back to her normal face, Now I am speculating at the reason for her wonderful smile earlier today

2/27/03 8pm
She smiled at me...

I don't think I've been so giddy about a girl smiling at me for years. It was short, and we couldn't get her to do it again, but it was a real smile, my mom saw it too. We were trying out the car seat, and put her in it, anyway, she was so alert, and just had a diaper change (thanks grandma s) and she smiled - After that, I was holding her, and she made all these new faces... It was very cool.

Yesterday, I said that I cant wait until she smiles... You should see this girl... You thought she was cute before. Just wait till she smiles at ya!

Dan and Jenn stopped in tonight - it was really cool to see them and their little girl Amberly. It was fun to compare notes as new first time parents... Amberly is about 5 months old, and just looks like a normal baby, but when you put her side by side with our Maria, she looks like a giant. I cant believe how much they grow in just a couple months. Maria is so tiny, and lots of fun, but Jenn was really having a good time with Amberly, making her laugh and stuff... Parenthood is gonna be fun.